Beckett's Turn To Beg
by tigercole7
Summary: After witnessing her interrogation Castle realizes that Beckett has lied to him for the past year. She remembers everything, including his "I love you." As far as Castle is concerned this is the end. Can Beckett change his mind?
1. Chapter 1

"Castle!" calls Kate down the hall. For the first time in their years of cop and writer tag-a-long, Castle completely ignores her and keeps right on walking away.

She watches his retreating back as he walks away from her for what feels like may be the last time. Why? What happened? Why would he ignore her?

It would sure help to smooth things over if she could figure out just what she`s done to push him away. Oh, and if he would acknowledge her presence. She watches the elevators close, Castle refusing to look at her, refusing to even look up from the floor. As if the whole world has just crashed down around him and it would be futile to try and put it together again.

"Beckett" she hears, and turns to Ryan.

"We`ve got the financials on the victim. Looks like he`s recently opened a safety deposit box. Want us to check it out?"

Still contemplating what went wrong with Castle she doesn't answer right away. "Beckett. Everything alright?" Espo is standing there now looking at her, concern etched in his face. Dazed and confused is very un-Beckett like. Ignoring both of their questions for the time being she asks the boys if they noticed anything up with Castle this morning.

"He was fine when he went in to watch your interrogation. Maybe he got a call from Martha or Alexis. Ryan, he say anything to you?"

"Nope. I haven`t seen him since he went to watch. You`ve only been out of interrogation a few minutes. Can`t imagine what would have made him leave in such a hurry, but i'm sure he`ll be prepared with a 20 minute monologue in the morning to fill us in. Back to the case, Beckett you want us to check in to this deposit box?"

Kate drops into her chair and mutters only "yeah" while she stares at Castle`s empty seat. Why does she still get the feeling this is because of her?

* * *

Kate tosses bread in the toaster and takes a gulp from her coffee. She couldn`t sleep last night trying to figure out what was up with Castle. He never did return any of her calls or texts last night and now she`s anxious to make it to the precinct. She is sure he will waltz in fashionably late and hand her a coffee with a smile and apologize for hurrying off yesterday. However, the niggling doubt that things would absolutely NOT go that way kept her up late last night, hence the late start this morning and the rush to make it to the 12th.

Feeling only about half put together and still in dire need of a caffeine jolt Kate steps off the elevator and heads to her desk. Ryan and Espo are already camped out by the murder board, adding details from their trip to the bank yesterday to reveal the contents of one safety deposit box. She should be eager to hear what they found but, honestly, it`s the furthest thing from her mind at the moment. She hears the ding of the elevator and glances over her shoulder, not quite to her desk, hoping to see Castle. Shoulders slumping when she sees that it is not.

"Hurry up Castle," she mumbles under her breath.

The boys must have heard if their confused faces are anything to go by. Ryan pauses writing, marker still in the air, "Still no word from Castle?"

"No" murmurs Kate as she takes a seat.

Espo launches into the new information about the case and she tries to pay attention, she really does, but it`s not long before they notice she is glancing at the elevator every time it stops on their floor.

"Beckett, everything okay?" asks Espo, for the second time in two days.

"I'm not sure"

* * *

Castle never did come in to the precinct that day. Or the next.

He wouldn`t return her calls or texts. It`s been three days. What could she possibly have done to make the guy who makes his living with words shut completely the hell up. She racks her brain, has been the past three days, and still has no idea what the hell happened. She cant take his silence anymore and finds herself stepping out of the elevator in Castle`s building, making her way toward the front door of the loft. As she raises her hand to knock the door opens and a very exuberant Alexis Castle is charging out on her way to meet a friend. She`s surprised to see Kate. Surprised because she didn't expect to see anyone on the other side of the door, yes. But Kate can see it`s more than that.

When has Beckett ever been to the Castle loft that Rick hasn't had to beg and plead to get her there.

"Hi Kate, is everything okay?"

"I need to talk to Castle, is he busy?"

"Um...I thought he was with you," the girl stammers. "He`s not?"

"No, I haven`t seen him in three days. He left the precinct the other night after watching an interrogation. Something was wrong but I don't think he heard me call his name. Has he said anything at all?"

"That's strange. He`s left every morning like he was heading to the 12th and come back late every night claiming you`ve been working a tough case. Come to think of it, I haven`t seen him at all, just his notes on the counter in the morning" claims Alexis. Concern for her father growing in the girl`s expression.

Ok. Castle is pretending normal even at home. Something is terribly wrong. Now, where could he be?

After a moment of thought Beckett tells Alexis she will let her know when she finds out what is going on and turns back to the elevators, heading to the only real place Castle could be hiding. His office in the basement of the Haunt.

* * *

Being that it`s not even 11 a.m. the doors to the Haunt are locked up tight. She knows Castle is in there, can feel it, so she sits on the steps waiting. For Castle or the opening of the Haunt for lunch, whichever comes first.

She plays on her phone, passing the time. Takes a call from Espo about a lead they`re running down. Returns a text from Alexis.

Finally, the door opens. Its not Castle but at least she finally has confirmation that he is inside.

"Been down in the office the past few days" claims the bartender. She didn't catch his name and doesn't recall it from past visits, she should feel bad but that`s just not important right now. She mutters a brief "thanks" and heads down to the basement. She really needs to figure out what`s going on with her partner.

She hears absolutely nothing coming from the office to break up the silence looming in the shadowed basement, but she can see the light shining through the partially open door. Her heart lifts at the idea of seeing him, sharing his space again. She is not prepared for the sight of Richard Castle.

Hair uncombed. Face unshaven. Eyes glassy from alcohol, lack of sleep, or a combination of the two. He stares off into space. The computer is off so he`s not here to work on the book. He`s just sitting there, looking lost and hurt. Dejected.

"Castle" Beckett whispers and his head whips around in her direction.

She still sees the hurt but a raging anger is moving in quickly, replacing the hurt in his eyes with storm clouds. His jaw tightens. The muscle just above his right eye is twitching. Castle says nothing. He looks away from Kate almost as quickly as he turned to her. He flattens a crease in the leg of his pants, pants she`s almost certain he was wearing the day she saw him last. After closer inspection his shirt looks familiar and it all looks like he`s been sleeping in it. And he wont look at her. This is worse than she thought.

"Castle" Beckett says again.

"Please leave Beckett" he mutters, still looking in the corner.

She stands in the doorway, his name falling from her lips like a plea. "_Castle_..."

"I'm not interested Beckett. You can have your life back. I'm done following you around. It`s what you wanted anyway and now you can have it. Just leave." More forceful with each word uttered though he still won't acknowledge her, won't look at her.

Tired of tiptoeing around Kate starts to spout off but Castle stops her before she can even get started.

"I heard you loud and clear Kate. You remember everything. Fantastic. You could have told me you didn't feel the same way. It would have hurt but not as much as this. You lied to me Kate. For a whole year you lied. Well, dont worry. I wont get in your way anymore. You can have your space, your chair, your privacy, your lies, all to yourself again. I`m not doing this anymore. I'm kind of surprised you held it in this long Kate. I would think I gave you the perfect ammunition to get rid of me a year ago. Oh, wait. It was more fun for you to watch me follow you around like a love sick fool, bringing you coffee like a servant, just waiting for you to see me. To remember. But, you never forgot did you Kate. Well, I will never forget this so I guess we`re even. Tell the boys whatever you want - you`re good at that aren't you." And it wasn't a question.

He turned away, effectively dismissing her from his office, and his life.

Her mouth worked but no sound came out. Oh God. She tried again.

"Castle, please let me explain. I needed time. Time to get myself right. I needed..."

"...I don't care Kate. Not anymore. You can have all the time you need. Im done waiting. Done seeing the smirks on everyone`s faces because they know exactly why I spend so much time following you, literally chasing after you lately. Done seeing their looks of pity. Done with you. You can tell Gates she can send the final paperwork to the mayors office. He wont mind and, frankly, it would be better for me if I never have to see you again."

He pauses when he hears her gasp for air, but not for long because he just can't let her get to him this time. Can`t let her reel him back in. It has to be over. If he`s going to survive this heartbreak it truly has to be over now.

"I have a few chapters to finish on this latest Nikki Heat and then she wont be bothering you anymore either. This will be the last one. If it were not so close to the deadline I would cancel the entire contract now." He says this last part as he brushes past Beckett and heads for the stairs. If she wont leave then he will, though where he`s going now he hasn`t a clue. She`s everywhere. Oh, except the Hampton's house. Guess even lying she couldnt force herself to spend THAT kind of time with him. He thanks the universe for that one small favor as he opens the door to the sunlight he sure doesn't feel.

The car service takes him to the loft. He leaves a note for Alexis and Martha, some gibberish about heading to the Hampton's to finish the book. At least he thinks thats what he wrote. He grabs his laptop to make the story a little more convincing and heads out of the loft. He needs to get away. Maybe get rip roaring drunk. Anything. He will try anything to get out of his head and forget about Kate and his current heartache, even if only for a few hours.

* * *

A/N - This is my first stab at writing fanfic...I spent a long night at work when the internet in my home office decided to take a vacation. I love Castle and I`ve enjoyed reading tons and tons of fanfics, but it made me wonder how it would go if Castle suddenly became the hard-headed one and Kate had to do the chasing for once. I'm not sure where this story is going at this point exactly, but I am ready to try. Hopefully I dont bore you all to tears in the meantime. Since this is obviously not how things really go down, I will probably take some liberties with the timeline and the dialogue.  
Thoughts and comments welcome and appreciated. Enjoy reading, even if it's not my story that`s making you smile.  
Thanks

rated T - for the moment.


	2. Chapter 2

Kate stood in the office long after Castle had walked out.

She didn't notice the new, plush and extra wide couch along the wall across from Castle's desk. A couch he'd purchased with visions of the two of them entwined together. She didn't notice the half-full bottle of black label Johnny Walker sticking out of the trash next to his chair. It had been a gift from Kate and the boys at the 12th for Castle's last birthday. She didn't notice the tears coursing down her face nor the sobs that shook her shoulders so joltingly.

She noticed he was gone. She noticed he seemed intent on being gone for good. She noticed that her life would never be the same without Castle in it.

Blinded by her tears she stumbles to Castle's desk chair, desperate to feel him in the leather and the warmth he left behind a few minutes ago. If she sat there an hour it felt like merely a moment. She had to get him back, but first she had to go tell his daughter what a horrible person she was. She had to explain to Alexis that she, Kate, was what was wrong with her father, that she had driven him away with a lie. She should have found a way to explain it to Castle all those months ago. He would have waited for her - she could see that now. Should have seen it before. Instead, she gets to explain to Alexis that she would have done it differently if she weren't such a coward.

* * *

Like deja vu Kate found herself stepping off of the elevator and walking the short hall to the door of the Castle loft again. The first time she had been on a mission to find Castle and apologize for whatever had upset him. The second time was for very different reasons. In effort to delay the inevitable she made mental note of everything, putting off her talk with Alexis much like Castle would catalog details to suspend the narrative in one of his novels.

She noticed the plant by the elevator must need a drink of water if its wilted leaves were anything to go by.

She noticed the faint trail of pinkish red about waist high along one wall where she figured Martha had trailed her perfect manicure along it after one too many cocktails one night after rehearsal.

She noticed that one light bulb was dimmer than the other in the fixture, that the mirror on the wall was just the tiniest bit off center, that despite her dawdling she was nearly to the loft's entrance and the confrontation with Alexis that would be just the beginning of all she needed to repent for.

Walking silently in her trademark heels Kate stopped and lifted a knuckle to the door, pausing briefly to make sure she was mostly in control, Kate knocked lightly and stepped back to wait.

When she opened the door Alexis was still wearing a concerned expression and Kate suspected right away Castle had not come home to the loft when he'd left the Haunt. She was certain the red-haired beauty that was Castle's teenaged daughter would be wearing a fiery mask of anger if he had. She chased down criminals for a living, had been in her own apartment when it exploded, had been shot at more times than she could count. None of those things caused the same levels of fear and apprehension she was feeling now, facing Alexis.

Save the evidence of her tears dried on her face and visible in the smears of mascara beneath her lashes, Kate stepped in to the loft showing no emotion. She silently followed Alexis into the kitchen where the girl resumed her seat at the counter and picked up her mug of tea, both hands around the mug, savoring its warmth. She looked at Kate but said nothing, all her questions shining from those piercing blue eyes, eyes just as piercing as her father's if not the same shade of blue.

"I found him at the Haunt," Kate whispered, indicating just how tenuous her grasp on control really was. Alexis said nothing, waited for her to continue. "He was just sitting there...he knew...he knew I lied to him and he...yelled...he yelled at me to leave. I tried...he wouldn't...he didn't let me say that i was getting ready to tell him...he left...said he needed to get away...from me." Words poured from her mouth in a disjointed series of starts and stops. The reality of his reaction hitting her like a wave from a tsunami and Kate grabbed on to the counter to stop the downward momentum of her buckling knees.

Alexis reached out to steady her but her arms paused halfway there with the realization of Kate's words.

"You lied." It wasn't a question, more of an accusation. Kate drew in a bracing breath and lifted her gaze to the girl.

"What has Castle told you about the day of my shooting?" Kate mumbled, voice flat and emotionless.

"Not much. He doesn't really talk about it. I know he was upset that you never called that summer but you know Dad, he got over it pretty quickly after you talked at his book signing. Now that I think about it, why is that Kate? Why is he always so willing to forgive you?" Alexis stared back, waiting for an answer, knowing that whatever the detective had to say would explain what was going on with her dad.

Walking over to the windows overlooking the city Kate put her back to Alexis and tried to get the words out.

"He told me he loved me. After I was shot, while I was bleeding all over him, he said 'I love you.' When I woke in the hospital he was right there beside me, just like he always is. When he asked what I remembered from that day, I told him I remembered nothing. I lied. I remembered every word he spoke to me in that moment. I have tried for the past year to get myself to a place where we can dive in to life together. A place where I could tell him that I did hear, that I love him too."

When she started to cry again she doesn't know, but that something tickling its way down her face is a fresh set of tears. Was it because she should have been telling these secrets to Castle and not his daughter? Was it because every word out of her mouth made it even more clear to Kate just how much Castle had laid his soul bare for her, and just how much she had really hurt him? Wishing she could take it all back, she leaned her forehead against the glass and watched her tears fall to the floor.

Inhaling deeply, Kate kept going, raising her head and pressing her fingers to the glass of the window instead. "He was watching me interrogate a suspect three days ago. Guy tried to claim he remembered nothing after the trauma of a bombing and I yelled that I didn't believe him, that I didn't believe him because I had been shot in the heart and I remembered everything. He heard every word. When I found him this morning he told me…"

"What did he say Kate?" Alexis demanded. Her voice finally filled with all the anger Kate had expected when she arrived. She was no longer sitting cradling a mug of tea either. She had moved from her seat at some point and now stood facing Kate, hands clenched into tight fists at her sides.

"That he never wanted to see me again, and then he walked out," whispered Kate.

"Not that I don't wish he could really get over you Detective, but since I don't see that ever happening what do you plan to do about it." Kate spins from the window and looks up to see Martha holding court at the top of the stairs. She has obviously heard at least most of Kate's heartbroken words, and her tone conveys her current unmistakable hostility towards Kate loud and clear.


	3. Chapter 3

"Martha." The woman's name falls from Kate's lips, unexpected, as she make's eye contact with the actress at the top of the stairs.

The light from the top of the stairway shines down on Castle's mother much like the spotlight that has been a focus of the woman's life for decades. Fitting, as she had the undivided attention of both the women below her in the kitchen. Alexis eye's her gram, knows that harsh demand was directed at the woman who'd seemingly led her father on a merry chase for the past few years. When she turned her eyes back to Kate she might have laughed if the situation weren't so serious.

Kate's mouth worked, open close, open close, much like the fish faces Alexis made at her father as a child. Alexis can see the woman's mouth moving but no words are coming out. If she weren't so angry with Kate she might actually feel sorry for her. She knew her gram was a force to be reckoned with on an average day. Mess with her family and you realize her "flake" persona is just that, a facade. She sees more than she reveals, understands more than she will ever let on, her flighty disposition merely another costume she dons.

"You allow your personal struggles to overshadow everything else. I'm not denying that it has made you a dedicated and accomplished detective, Beckett. You're intuitive, insightful, you make connections between unrelated facts that are often the reason's your cases get solved." Never taking her eyes from Kate's, Martha makes her way down the stairs.

"Yes, Richard tells me a lot," she continues while walking to the stove and turning on the kettle for tea. Seemingly calm judging by her actions, but Kate can tell by the straight of her spine the anger this woman is holding at bay. Anger pointed with a snipers precision at the woman her son has been following, loving, defending, and extolling the virtues of on the pages of his novels for all to read these past few years.

Turning to reach for her favorite green tea, Martha levels eyes on Kate once more.

"As good as you are at your job, detective, I find it impossible to believe that Richard's desperate plea of love when he thought you were going to die is the first you knew of his feelings for you. I _heard _your reason for lying this past year, and while I'm not discounting your step forward in seeking therapy don't think this is excuse enough for what you've done. You _know _Richard. You _know _he would have given you the time you needed if you'd been honest about what you were going through, about what you wanted. "

"I wasn't a fan of your's from the beginning." Martha pours her tea and turns to Kate once more.

"At first, it was simply because my son's fascination with you was putting him in harms way on a daily basis. I worried every day until he walked back through that door at night. After a while I resigned myself to the fact that, like always, Richard was going to do what he wanted to do. He felt good about helping solve real murders, and the more time we spent, with you and detectives Esposito and Ryan, I began to understand that though he might come home with bruises today and stitches tomorrow, he would come home. The four of you watch out for each other. I still worried that he would get hurt, but I never fathomed that it would be _you_, Detective Beckett, and not a bullet, that would hurt him this badly."

"Martha, I..." Is all Kate can stutter out before Martha interrupts. For once, a little rudeness the last thing on her mind.

"I am not nearly finished detective." Martha leaves her tea by the stove, not using it to calm her emotions as the younger Castle was doing, and moves to stand very close to Kate, eye to eye.

"He has totally changed who he is, for_you_. You and I both know he is not the same man you met and we both know why. _You_. Because he _loves _you. But you already know this. I know you feel the same, it was all over your face after the bank explosion."

"_How long are you going to drag your heels before you tell Beckett how you feel_, I asked him this just the other day. Now I wish I had kept my mouth shut. He might still be miserable but at least he would have hope. To tell you how he felt was the only reason he showed up at the precinct that day. He ditched a meeting with Gina and went chasing after you, just like always. If he hadn't, he never would have heard you. Would have never thought it was all a lie."

Martha turns away, finally breaking the intense stare she had leveled on Kate. For a moment, Kate feels somewhat relieved until she realizes it's because the actress just can't bear to look at her right now.

"I knew something had happened when he took off for the weekend and came back with a flight attendant. You know how long it took me to wrestle it out of him that you knew? He insisted he could continue to work alongside you, not let it overcome him. To get away from you and the hurt he felt he chased after that miscreant, Slaughter, and narrowly missed getting himself killed, again. " The slight break in Martha's voice at "again" is the only indication the woman is battling more than her anger with Kate. She still fears what might happen to him while playing at being a cop.

"Make no mistake Kate, If you hadn't become part of this family in the past few years, no matter how much I didn't want you to initially, we wouldn't even be having this conversation. I would let you go just like Richard is trying to right now. However misguided, confused, unprepared or whatever words you would like to use to explain your behavior since the shooting, these are the facts." While she speaks her fingers dust the copy of Heat Wave sitting on the back of the couch, feeling with each caress the irony within its very pages. The muse that brought rave reviews and career success has also torn his heart in two.

Dropping her hand from Castle's novel Martha faces Kate once again.

"Despite the fact that Richard told you he never wanted to see you again we both know its because he is hurting, and we both know it's not true. Despite the fact that though he seems to have run off to lick his wounds for the moment and will eventually come back and face life as he thinks it will be now. We both know that without you in it it will be but a shadow of the life he's been living. A shadow of the life he deserves to have despite the roadblocks you seem to take great pleasure in throwing up everytime he gets too close. So I'm asking you again detective, just what do you plan to do about it?

As if they had forgotten Alexis was in the room, both women startle when she speaks.

"Even if he's desperate to get away from _you_," she points directly at Beckett, "I know dad would never leave without at least a note telling Gram and I where he was going. I didn't see one before, but I wasn't looking either. There has to be one around here somewhere. I'll check the office now, that's the only place I haven't been," Alexis says the last bit over her shoulder as she head's to her dad's office.

After a glance around the room and Castle's desk, she finds a note in the space where his laptop normally resides waiting for him to continue the story of Nikki and Rook, the characters having much better luck, at least in lust, than their real life counterparts.

Alexis picks up the note, reads it to herself, all the while running her finger over her fathers name, wishing he were here. Wishing she could hug him. With the note in hand she heads back to the living room.

Stopping beside Martha, Alexis opens the note once more and reads it aloud to the both of them.

_Mother and Alexis,_

_I'm heading to the Hampton's to hopefully finish the book. Gina has been breathing down my neck to get it finished. We wrapped up the case and the team has the weekend off. See you when I get back._

_- Rick_

Martha takes the note from Alexis and reads it to herself again. She knows her son well enough to read his distress in this sloppily written note. The right words may be on the page but his careful script has been replaced by a hastily scratched penmanship so unlike her son. She also realizes that she is more correct than even _she _knew while giving Kate her dressing down.

Even in his misery at what he sees as Kate's rejection, as heartbroken as he must be feeling, he is protecting Kate even now, despite his own feelings and possibly without even realizing he is doing so. By withholding his pain and the events of this morning from them, he is protecting Kate, still, _always_.

She wonders if Kate gets it yet.

She glances over to the younger woman, the woman she knows Richard is so much in love with he can't see the light at the end of his heartbroken tunnel. She studies her, unbeknownst to Kate, who has taken the note from Martha to read herself. Watches as she rubs her thumb over his signature, reaching out to him even in this simple gesture. Sees the emotions that literally overcome the detective chasing one after another across her face. Longing. Pain. Regret. Love.

Kate looks at Castle's family, wanting so much to be a part of it once more. She brushes the lone tear from her cheek and holds the note gently, not realizing she is holding it over her heart, subconsciously trying to ease the pain. Pain _she _caused.

Martha does not miss this gesture, however, and looks to Kate and asks, "Are you ready to really fight for him? He's running away from _you _now."

* * *

Castle sits before the fireplace in his enormous, empty, living room. He stares into the fire, watches the flames lap at the paper. He had written Kate a letter, a letter he can never send. Instead he watches as the fire eats up his words, wishing it could eat up his pain just a easily.

He really should be working on finishing his novel. Gina has been bugging him for it, the note wasn't a complete lie, but after Kate crushed his heart the last thing he can think about is Nikki Heat. After all, aren't they really one and the same? He knows the quicker he finishes the quicker he can truly begin to put Kate behind him. He'll have to jump through some hoops, possible pay his attorney for a few hours of work, to get out of the rest of his Nikki Heat contract. It doesn't matter.

_I have enough money to literally burn_ he thinks to himself. _No matter what I have to do, this book is the end of Nikki Heat_. Tomorrow morning is soon enough to literally begin closing the final chapters on his time with Kate.

With that thought in mind he closes up the fireplace just as the final pages crumble to ashes. He grabs the bottle of scotch of the coffee table, foregoing the glass, and heads out to the deck not even noticing the cold.

As he sits before the beach, before the roaring waves of the water rushing to the shore, he resolves to give himself a week to fall apart and put the pieces back together. He hasn't imagined a life without Kate in it in a long time. All his dreams for the future were wrapped up in her and what he imagined they would have together if he only gave her enough time.

One week. A week to miss the best thing he never really had.


	4. Chapter 4

**I'm not exactly happy with this chapter, hence the delay. My apologies.**

Castle took a few more sips from the bottle that night before replacing the cap and setting it down on the deck. He wasn't near drunk enough to forget Beckett but he thought he was good enough to at least finally sleep. He'd sat watching the chill of his breath distort the sky until cold overrode his booze soaked brain and he finally went to sleep in one of the guest rooms. Knowing Kate would never share the king bed in the master bedroom was something he just couldn't deal with right then. Even his alcohol fuzzed brain knew that was a rude awakening for another day.

* * *

Morning came way to soon after a few days with mostly no sleep. Although his body felt better Castle swore Kate's lie hurt even more today. As if the few hours away from his thoughts he had found in an unusually dreamless sleep had made remembering it all again so much harder to believe. And his head was pounding.

He lay there for a while trying to block out the sun and go back to sleep and, hopefully, back to not thinking of Kate. The sunshine could seriously take a break thought Castle as he rubbed his pounding head and tried to hide his eyes beneath the comforter. After 20 minutes of misery he accepted defeat in the sleep department and tried to feel his way to the shower without opening his eyes. Stupid. Now his elbow hurt from hitting the door frame and his right foot was in agony from kicking the wall. He better find some sunglasses soon or he would be needing a body cast.

He navigated the bathroom in the semi-dark of the night light and and let the hot water rain down on his tired, heart broken and now battered and hungover body. Castle propped himself against the shower wall and closed his eyes. He may have fallen asleep once or twice, he couldn't really be sure. When he finally forced himself from the shower the hot water was starting to go.

Forget shaving. Castle was doing well to pull on sweats and a shirt before he shuffled down to the kitchen for coffee. In a few minutes he was burning his tongue on that first sip but it did wonders toward clearing the fog in his brain. He took a few more sips and let his mind think about the events of recent days. Love sucked and he was obviously no good at it. Neither of his divorces hurt this bad but when he finally gets it right, or thinks he has, she would rather lie than tell him anything, for nearly a year. The only women in his life that didn't constantly hurt him or only want his money were Mother and Alexis. Maybe it should just stay that way from now on. He couldn't fathom loving anyone else, or ever _not_ loving Kate, anyway.

Speaking of Mother and Alexis, they were probably starting to worry. He should call Alexis.

Given his recent streak of good luck, Castle figured he could expect a "surprise!" visit from either Martha, Alexis or both sometime soon. With that in mind he headed to the patio, despite his pounding head and burning eyes, for the liquor bottle he'd set aside last night. He was more than tempted to have another drink but instead he stumbled back inside and put the bottle in the cupboard over the sink.

He did not want to be another Jim Beckett.

He respected what the man had overcome, he really did, but hated the thought of his daughter losing her father because he had lost the love of his life. He didn't want Alexis to be as hard for someone to love as Kate Beckett had turned out to be. Didn't want her to feel like she needed to handle everything herself because she was essentially alone. If Jim Beckett falling in to the bottom of a bottle had anything to do with the enormous wall Kate had built around herself, well he was going to spare Alexis that. After all, Kate wasn't dead. She just didn't love _him. _

It was gonna hurt like hell whether he was drunk or not.

* * *

Castle shuffled around the Hampton's house aimlessly, and never had it ever felt more empty than it did in this moment. When it had just been he and Alexis, and then later Martha, spending holidays and summers at the beach it had never occurred to Castle just how big, empty, most of all lonely, this monstrous house really was. Mostly because it had never felt that way to him.

Until he met Kate. More accurate, until he _lost_ Kate.

Until he met Kate, his memories of time spent here were filled with laughter, fun, fireworks and building sandcastles with his daughter. Though Kate had never been here he had allowed himself to imagine all the things he wanted to share with her. He saw them holding hands walking along the foamy surf toward the sunset. He saw them building sandcastles with Alexis's brothers and sisters, pink cheeked toddlers with his eyes and her smile. He saw weekends with the boys and Lanie and Jenny when they would join him and Kate and their beautiful babies at the beach for long weekends and vacations.

_ Knowing that I will never have this, it all feels so hollow now_, Castle thinks to himself.

If this is how lonely it felt here while knowing that she had never made coffee in his kitchen, never relaxed in front of his fire snuggled next to him on the sofa, he's glad she never set foot on his beach. If she had he would have no refuge now. Given how many dreams he had of the two of them here, it really wasn't much of a refuge. He couldn't spend forever here no matter how trampled his heart felt. He had a daughter who needed her father and a career that required life in the public eye no matter how devastated he might feel inside.

Completely erasing her from his life would be the ideal, but it was also going to be categorically impossible. He would never forget the woman who would probably always hold his heart. She was his done, of this he had no misgiving. She'd made it blatantly obvious that he was _not_ her one.

With that in mind he began trying to delete Kate from his life piece by piece. Most likely an exercise in futility but still so necessary to try. His dreams of the two of them together were tormenting his sleep, were the reason he found himself staring off in to space several times a day, and were getting in the way of putting the pieces of his heart back together. The idea was if he got rid of the reality of Kate, maybe the dreams of Kate would follow.

Starting easy, Castle deleted her number from the contacts list on his phone. It wouldn't matter. After this many years working with the detective of his dreams and so many nights spent staring at the phone just willing it to ring it will be about an eternity before he's able to wipe her number from his memory. He pressed the button anyway, and her smiling face was gone. He missed it already. While he had the phone in his hand he pulled up another number and dialed.

"Mayor Robert Weldon's office, how may I help you?"

After introducing himself and asking to speak to his friend, the mayor, Castle found himself at the mercy of the hold music while he waited for Bob to pick up the phone. Suspecting only the reminder of a friendly poker game, Bob came on the line with a boisterous "Hey Ricky, to what do I owe the pleasure?"

Pausing for only a moment Castle plunged right in, fearing if he didn't, he wouldn't.

"I need to officially be done at the 12th. Is there some paper I need to sign or..." Before Castle could finish Bob interrupted.

"Is everything okay Rick? Last time we spoke I got the impression you wouldn't be finished with your _research_ any time soon?" _And you don't sound like yourself_, but the Mayor kept that thought to himself.

"I think I'm just in the way at this point Bob. Besides, after 4 years it's my own fault if I don't have enough Nikki Heat material. It's time for me to move on. What do I need to do to make this happen, now." Castle's tone left no room for questions, only action.

"My secretary can have the papers ready by the end of the day if this is what you really want. Come in and sign them whenever you like," he told Castle.

"I'm in the Hamptons now but I'll stop in on my way back to the city, probably at the end of the week." Castle finished speaking and sighed. Every word of this conversation seemed to make it all that much more final. Severing ties with the 12th and Kate Beckett was little more than a signature away. Castle said goodbye absently, not hearing the other man talking as he hung up the phone.

Castle felt like he was ripping out his own heart

He threw down the phone and rose from the sofa, not really thinking about where he was headed. He found himself in front of the sink with his hand on the cupboard door, reaching in for the bottle he'd put away just an hour ago. Before he could complete the act he reminded himself why he had put the bottle away in the first place. Alexis. His beautiful daughter deserved more than a drunk and heart broken fool for a father. Castle walked away.

As he let himself out the door to the beach Castle couldn't help but wonder how many time's he would have to rip his heart out before this was done. Calling Bob had hurt like crazy. He still had the murder board waiting in the study in his loft, a picture of Kate smiling at him from the middle of a twisted circle of death. He needed to erase that. Oh, and the vest. He'd thought it so cool the first time he showed up to a crime scene boasting a Kevlar vest identifying him as "writer." He'd planned to keep it forever as a reminder, now he needed to get rid of it for the very same reason. And...he needed to finish the book. The last book, of that he would be sure to make clear to Gina and Black Pawn.

He couldn't do anything about the board or the vest for the moment. He didn't want to deal with Nikki either but he needed to keep putting one metaphorical foot in front of the other if he was going to convince the world that all is well in the playboy life of millionaire author Richard Castle. With that in mind he headed to the office on the second floor. He didn't know quite what was in store for Nikki and Rook, they already had it better than he and Kate and he didn't think he could bear to kill her off.

He would figure it out in the next few hours he hoped, or become even more depressed trying. First, he would call Black Pawn and kill the contract.


	5. Chapter 5

**Thank you all so much for your follows, favorites and reviews, especially if you submitted one as a guest and I wasn't able to thank you personally :) Your thoughts are always much appreciated! **

Castle sat in his cozy recliner in the office. From this spot he could see the the boats in the harbor and a seemingly endless stretch of water. What he couldn't see was the phone on his desk. The phone he'd been avoiding for hours now. The phone he was supposed to be using to call Gina to discuss the Nikki Heat project, or the end of it rather. The phone he couldn't seem to bring himself to pick up and dial.

He couldn't do it.

He didn't want to deal with Gina is what he kept telling himself, but after hours of avoiding it he was realizing, though it may have started out that way this morning when he sat down in this chair, it was much more than that now. He also didn't want to have to kill off one of his characters, and since he could never kill Kate in any way, even on paper, Rook was his only option. But if he was honest with himself this wasn't what was standing in his way either.

Though he was still so angry with her it sometimes hurt to breathe, sitting here avoiding the phone he couldn't stop himself from picturing her smile when he brought her coffee. From remembering all the times they'd saved each other, been there for each other, trusted each other, laughed with each other, come _so close_ to something better with each other. For him it had been an amazing, albeit long, build-up to the relationship he knew was waiting for them if he could just be patient. At least that was what he had wanted to believe.

Somehow it seemed every time they got too close something got in the way.

She was shot and stayed away for three months and then followed that up with_ I don't remember anything_ . Who can argue with that, what would have even made him begin to think she would lie to him about something so important? His date with Serena Kaye didn't help though it _was_ her idea, nor did the case suspecting Bob of murder. There was also almost freezing to death and nearly exploding. How about Beckett dating Demming. Something about that one especially made his guts clench. He'd put off calling so long after that episode that it took her arresting him, again, to get them to work it out.

Somehow, each time they were able to bounce back, to get back to that fun, flirty banter that had always defined their partnership. Yet somehow they never seemed to take that next step.

But in doing that dance she had become more than just the woman he loved, she was his best friend.

She knew more about him than anyone else outside his mother. He even let her see Richard Alexander Rogers on occasion and not just the flippant, playboy mystery writer who happened to be ruggedly handsome and seemed to enjoy any opportunity to sign a woman's breast in a bookstore. Something, by the way, he didn't do anymore. He wondered if she'd noticed that.

Being one of the top 10 most eligible bachelors in New York didn't seem to help his cause. God, he hated that title.

Since meeting Kate he'd realized that fame was a double edged sword. Yes, because of Derek Storm, Nikki Heat and some early randoms that only the crazy fans read, like Flowers for Your Grave, he had more money than he could ever spend. He lived in a nice loft, owned a fancy vacation home in an elite community, was able to send his daughter to a nice school and indulge just about her every whim, and was able to take care of his mother after she'd been swindled out of her life savings. All these things were nice. Used to be pretty awesome. And the perks? Well, lets just say, those were pretty awesome too.

Or at least they had been.

Now he just wanted to be a regular guy coming home at the end of the day to the woman he loved, the daughter he cherished, maybe one or two more, and if she wouldn't let him buy her a place of her own, the mother who had always been there for him. Instead of signing bimbette breasts he wanted to bring Kate coffee in their bed. Instead of book tours he'd rather hang out with the gang in the booth reserved for the 12th at the Old Haunt. Instead of playing it up for the camera's at the behest of Black Pawn, he'd rather be able to take Kate out in style and not see flash bulbs everywhere they went.

_I guess none of that is really relevant anymore, _he sighed. Seems he won't have to worry about whether she can deal with his very public life.

Castle kicked the foot rest down on the recliner and headed to the kitchen for a late lunch, effectively blocking out all things Black Pawn and Nikki Heat, and the fact that he still hadn't picked up the phone. Maybe he should call Paula before calling Gina anyway. Halfway down the stairs his stomach rumbled and he tried to recall the last real meal he had eaten.

He was drawing a blank on yesterday unless Bourbon was a food group.

Though he hadn't been drinking initially, he couldn't really remember what happened after leaving the precinct the day he realized Kate had lied. He was so busy trying to avoid his family and hide the hurt that the two days in between were less than a blur, he had no recollection whatsoever.

He was stunned to realize that the last 4 days may as well have not happened for all he remembered.

He vaguely remembered Kate hunting him down at The Haunt yesterday morning with lots of tears and something she felt he needed to hear. Instead he'd told her he never wanted to see her again and walked out. He'd run by the loft to grab a few things and left a note, packing a bag quickly in case she'd decided to follow him. Then fled to the only escape he could think of. Instead of escape he'd been locked in, alone, with his misery. The burn of bourbon had seemed to go a long way towards numbing the feelings of grief, loss, and remorse at not having had the nerve to jump feet first into his love for Kate instead of hiding it all this time and hoping she was catching up. Or to have at least been shot down before his heart was in so deep.

He'd left her because all he could hear, through his anger, were more lies. Lies he didn't, couldn't, give her the chance to give words to. Thinking if her face now, of her tears, made him want to cry himself. Maybe he should have given her a chance to speak.

_I guess none of that is really relevant anymore, _he sighed as he opened the refrigerator door. To a completely empty refrigerator. Right.

A short time later the door bell rang signaling the arrival of his food. Not wanting to deal with people if he didn't have to, Castle had ordered enough to get him through the next day or two. Comfort foods like mac and cheese and biscuits, chicken noodle soup and ice cream. Castle made himself a small meal and stored the rest in the fridge. On his way from the kitchen he heard his cell ring from the couch where he'd left it when he headed up to the office. That was Ryan's ring. He was sure the guys had realized something was up by now. As sure as he was that they were not getting anything out of Kate. He figured they were concerned but he just couldn't talk to Ryan right now.

Leaving the phone he headed for the stairs and back to his cozy recliner with a view. He would try to eat his lunch but he had decided somewhere between noticing he was hungry and hearing Ryan's call coming in that he would not be calling Gina today. What was going on with Kate or how he was feeling right now was definitely none of Gina's business. Calling Black Pawn really wasn't something he had to do _right now_ either. He had to finish this book, that meant he really had about two months before he absolutely had to bring it up with anyone at Black Pawn. Castle sagged back against the chair in relief, leaning his head back, eyes closed. Baby steps.

He felt himself relax for the first time in days.

* * *

Watching Ryan in the bull pen hanging up the phone in resignation, not knowing it was Castle he was trying to track down, Captain Gates was a bit surprised to hear her own phone ringing, startling her out of her stare. She picked up the phone, again surprised to learn who was on the other end of the line.

"_To what do I owe the pleasure Mayor?" Gates greeted him with a smile in her voice._

"This might be slightly none of my business and I apologize for putting you on the spot Captain Gates, but did something happen between Rick and the team he was working with?" he questioned the Captain. "Did they have a close call on a case or anything recently?"

"_Well Mayor, lately Beckett looks like she just lost her best friend and Ryan and Esposito have been tip-toeing around her the last few days. No joking, no laughing, and an ominously absent Richard Castle." Gates paused while she thought for a moment. "Far as I know nothing unusual lately in the field though. Why do you ask?"_

"That's actually what I'm calling about. The absence of Richard Castle. He called me this afternoon. Said he wanted me to get the papers in order for him because he was done shadowing the detectives at the 12th. This was not the impression I got at our poker game a few weeks ago, and he was not sounding at all like himself. I was hoping you would shed some light on what might have happened," finished Weldon, a bit more concerned for his friend after speaking with Gates.

"_Obviously, I'll get nothing if I try and talk to Detective Beckett, especially if this has something to do with her and Castle. Maybe I can corner Esposito and Ryan, get something out of them. Let me warn you Mr. Mayor, the odds are they won't tell me much, if anything. They are very protective of each other, Castle included. They may not give up anything. For now, I will say Castle not coming back is news to me."_

"If you hear anything you'll let me know? If you wouldn't mind?"

"_I will. I'm glad you called Mayor Weldon. Now, would it be out of line for me to ask that you please lose that paperwork until I can get to the bottom of this. I give Mr. Castle a hard time but even I can't deny that he's an asset to the team. I'm leaving for vacation in a few days. You can use that as an excuse if you have to."_

"Thanks Captain. Let me know what you find out and I'll make sure Rick doesn't sign anything until we get some answers, or give him enough time to change his mind. I hope."

"_Sounds good Mayor. I'll get back with you soon."_

* * *

Ryan glances up from a stack of paperwork when he hears his name being called across the bull pen. Gates is leaning out her door beckoning him in to her office.

"Grab Esposito as well please," Gates called before turning back to her desk.

"Hey Javi," he called to Esposito who was making notes in the time-line on the murder board.

Esposito glanced up from the board, marker hovering in the air, a stack of photos from the crime scene in his other hand.

"Gates wants us in her office." Ryan glanced at Gates through her office window trying to gauge her mood while he relayed her message to his partner.

Both men headed in to see the Captain.

"You asked to see us, Sir?" Espo walked in the door first.

"Close the door please and have a seat." Gates gestured them both to the chairs facing her from the other side of the desk. She could tell they were both trying to figure out if they were in trouble. She hid her smirk at this knowledge.

Glaring first at Espo and then at Ryan, gates demands to know "Where has Mr Castle been the past few days?"

Both of them stutter for a second before Ryan answers, rubbing his palm down the side of his face. "We don't know, Sir."

"We haven't seen him since the bombing case and Beckett's not talking," muttered Espo. "Ryan and I have both tried to reach him and he won't pick up the phone. We missed him at The Haunt by a couple of hours according to the bartender. That was two days ago."

"When did you two last see him, exactly?" the Captain questioned, reaching for her coffee. Something else she secretly appreciated the writer for.

"Castle was in observation while Beckett interrogated a suspect in that bombing case last week. Before she came out of the box Castle was gone and no one has seen him since. Well, we think maybe Beckett might have seen him, but you know she isn't talking." Javi finished with a helpless sigh as he watched the dejected slant of Beckett's slumped shoulders through the glass of Gate's office.

She had turned point on their latest case over to him and had been absent as much as possible the past few days. Even when she was here she wasn't. Only two things ever got to Beckett like this. Her mother's case and Castle. There had been no news on that front since Kate's shooting. That left only Castle.

Gates looked at the two detectives across the desk from her, debating whether to tell them about her conversation with the mayor. After a few moments of silent staring she addressed them once more, knowing if anyone was going to be able to help her get to the bottom of this they were her best bet.

"I just got off the phone with the mayor. Apparently Mr. Castle has decided he will not be coming back to the 12th. Said he had done all the research he could and would he please finalize the paperwork to bring his affiliation with us to a close. He wanted to know if something had happened on a recent case and I had nothing..."

"This is not about a case," Espo cut her off, not even thinking he had just interrupted a superior officer, "this has to be about Beckett."

"Excuse me?" Gates asked.

Ryan looked at his partner, continued for him. "You've been here long enough to have noticed the chemistry between them, right? I mean the entire department has a bet going on how long it will take Beckett to give in and just go with it. If he's walking out on us, it's because something happened between them. What are we gonna do about this?"

Gates stood from behind her desk and moved to the window, noticed the third detective in this trio was still slumped in her chair and staring at the empty one next to her desk. She doubted she even noticed the absence of her _other_ partners.

"I may never have brought attention to it gentleman, but please know that I am not blind. Maybe I'll have to get in on this pool. Especially since the outcome seems pretty clear right about now."

Turning back to the two in her office, "I've bought us some time with the mayor. I'll be on vacation in two days and unavailable to sign off on anything. We're going to use that to our advantage and try and figure this thing out. Or at least give _them_ time to if that's the case. As much as I have threatened Mr. Castle I'm not stupid. He doesn't wear a badge but he's been helpful just the same and I would like to see him stick around."

"That's all I know right now guys, if you hear anything you'll tell me?" Gates asked.

Both men nodded and stood. They headed out the door just in time to watch Beckett wipe a tear from her cheek, stand from her desk and flee the bullpen. They had to get to the bottom of this. Now. She was like a little sister to them. They needed to find Castle so they could kick his ass for hurting her. Then they would try and talk him in to staying.

Espo glanced at Ryan, "I'm gonna go find Lanie, see what she might know."

"I'll try and call Castle again, though I really don't expect to get an answer this time either. After shift maybe we can stop by the loft? Maybe Martha or Alexis can help," Ryan said, reaching for his cell off the corner of his desk.

* * *

Beckett hid in the bathroom stall. Though she was desperately trying to quiet her sobs she had given up on trying to control the tears. Enough pressure and the damn will break, she had known it was coming she just hadn't expected it to happen in the middle of the damn bullpen.

_Why now? Why not last night when I was alone on the couch with that bottle of wine? Why not after the hundredth time calling Castle, to explain, to say I'm so very sorry, and he didn't answer? Why here?_

She could feel the eyes on her from all directions when she'd been at her desk. They stared at her while she stared at Castle's empty chair, pretending to be filling out the same form all morning.

Now she was hiding her tears in the same stall she'd sneaked off to to read page 105. That day, he had found her. She new that wasn't going to happen this time, knew he wasn't going to even be looking for her. She needed to dry it up and get out of this restroom, fake sick and go home. Or to the loft. As mad as Martha was the other day she had demanded to know what Kate was going to do to get him back, so she was still a little on _their_ side, even if not _her_ side.

She needed to feel him, and if he wouldn't let her get near him maybe being in the loft would help. Would at least clear her head enough to allow her to think.

All her brain would let her get out was that she had to get him back. She needed him. He made her whole. Made the hurts hurt less. Made her heart beat out of control. He took care of her in a way no one else ever had, without even having the privilege of being more than a friend for so long now. She missed him. If she was unsure before she was absolutely certain now. She needed him. She loved him.

She finally knew how she felt and she couldn't even get him to listen to her. She had hurt him so badly he simply didn't want to hear her explanation.

Could she convince him of her love, and that she hadn't lied just to hurt him, or was it already too late for that?


End file.
